there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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