Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
