He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
