I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
