So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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