i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
