Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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