My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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