weddingsv make me drug and hornr
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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