so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Randomize
