Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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