i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
