Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
