After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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