Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
