i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im holly from the hills drunk
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
