Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
