you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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