I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't turn off my feet"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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