then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
