How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
