yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
