i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
