I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
