I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
