I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
