i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
