Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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