I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
