I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
