I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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