it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
