on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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