The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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