my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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