sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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