My underwear smells like fireworks.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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