she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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