I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
