I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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