Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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