Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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