In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
