also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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