Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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