Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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