He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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