NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
