I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
