there was a trapeze. enough said
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
