there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
