Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
