"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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