Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
