i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
