I accidentally had phone sex last night
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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