I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
