Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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