dude i'm inner monologue high
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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