I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
