so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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